Compersion is a term that originated among
practitioners of
polyamory and is used to
describe feeling pleasure or joy because one's romantic partner is
experiencing pleasure or joy, even if the source of their pleasure
is other than yourself. The feeling may or may not be sexual. It
should not be confused with
cuckolding
practices or
voyeurism.
It was originally
coined by the Kerista Commune in San
Francisco (or possibly by the ZEGG community
in Germany) which practiced polyfidelity. It has since been adopted
throughout the culture of polyamory.
Compersion is often discussed as a strategy for managing personal
feelings of jealousy in polyamorous relationships and has been
referred to as "the opposite of
jealousy."
It should be noted that some polyamorous people report that
jealousy comes with the territory of open romantic
relationships.
Polyamorous views on jealousy and compersion
In romantic relationships, jealousy refers to the negative thoughts
and feelings of insecurity, fear, and/or anxiety over an
anticipated loss of a partner or of that partner's attention,
affection, or time. Because polyamorous relationships often exist
within cultural frameworks of monogamy, where jealousy is
understood as a natural reaction to perceived competition for a
partner's attention, affection, or time, treatments of jealousy in
polyamorous literature are quite extensive.
In her book
Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits, Dr.
Deborah M. Anapol describes five different types of jealousy -
possessive, exclusion, competition, ego, and fear - before
discussing compersion. The books
The Ethical Slut and
Opening Up
also devote entire chapters to discussions of jealousy.
Investigative reporter and
sex educator
Eric Francis wrote on his
Planet Waves website that an individual could look for their own
compersion within jealousy itself: "Right inside the jealous
episode is a fiery core of erotic passion. It may surprise you how
good it feels, and if you get there, you can be sure you're
stepping right into compersion."
Formal definitions
- PolyOz
defines compersion as "the positive feelings one gets when a lover
is enjoying another relationship. Sometimes called the opposite or
flip side of jealousy." They comment that compersion can coexist
with jealous feelings.
- The Polyamory society defines compersion to be "the
feeling of taking joy in the joy that others you love share among
themselves, especially taking joy in the knowledge that your
beloveds are expressing their love for one another."
- The InnKeeper defines compersion as "A feeling of joy
when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic
or sexual relationship. ... Compersion does not specifically refer
to joy regarding the sexual activity of one's partner, but refers
instead to joy at the relationship with another romantic and/or
sexual partner."
- From Opening Up, "Serena Anderlini-D'Onofrio writes
that compersion is, in part, 'the ability to turn jealousy's
negative feelings into acceptance of, and vicarious enjoyment for,
a lover's joy.'" (p. 175)
Related terms
The
adjective frubbly and the noun frubbles are
sometimes used, in the poly community in the United Kingdom
and the United States
, to describe the feeling of compersion.
These terms are more suited to cheerful, light-hearted
conversation, and they are more grammatically versatile, for
example: "I'm feeling all frubbly" and "Their relationship fills me
with frubbles".
Compersion in the news
In late 2007,
The New York Times reported on former
Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's acceptance of her
husband's romance with another woman. The article opens, "So this,
in the end, is what love is. Former Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's
husband, suffering from Alzheimer's disease, has a romance with
another woman, and the former justice is thrilled -- even visits
with the new couple while they hold hands on the porch swing --
because it is a relief to see her husband of 55 years so content."
The remainder of the article discusses Justice O'Connor's reaction
as an example of mature, "more complex" love and contrasts this
with popular conceptions of "young" love.
See also
References
- Anapol, Deborah M. (1997) Polyamory: The New Love Without
Limits. IntinNet Resource Center: San Rafael, CA, pp.
49-64.
- Taormino, Tristan (2008) Opening Up: A Guide to Creating
and Sustaining Open Relationships. Cleis Press, Inc.: San
Francisco
- PolyOz - Polyamory Resources Australia Inc. - RD
Glossary
- Easton, Dossie & Liszt, Catherine A. (1997) The Ethical
Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. Greenery
Press: San Francisco.
- The New York Times, November 18, 2007. "Still Many Splendored; Love in the Time of
Dementia" by Kate Zernike. Retrieved 2009-11-06.
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