Heaven Help Us (also known as Catholic Boys) is a 1985 comedy-drama film starring Andrew McCarthy, Mary Stuart Masterson, Kevin Dillon, Donald Sutherland, Wallace Shawn, Stephen Geoffreys, John Heard, and Patrick Dempsey.

Story

The movie is set in 1965 at an all-boys Catholic High School in Brooklyn, New York. McCarthy plays the film's lead, Michael Dunn, a new student at Saint Basil's. Michael and his sister have been sent to live with their Catholic grandparents upon the death of their parents. It's not made clear whether the parents died at the same time or a few years apart, but it's presumed by Michael's age that both died young through tragedy. Michael previously attended a Catholic school in Boston.

While attempting to adjust to his new life, Michael also must adjust to the stricter rules and teaching methods of the brothers who run the school. He also manages to befriend his fellow students, rebelling and discovering who they are, along with a reluctant, yet streetwise young Brother.

Plot

Boston teenager Michael Dunn (Andrew McCarthy) and his young sister Boo (Jennie Dundas), following the deaths of their parents, have been sent to Brooklyn to live with their Irish-Catholic grandparents (Kate Reid & Richard Hamilton). He is enrolled at St. Basil's, a strict Roman Catholic school and church, where his grandmother is determined to see him fulfill his parents' dream of him joining the priesthood after graduation. The movie takes place during the time when the Catholic Church was changing their forms of discipline, liturgy, and sacraments. While some places had modified already by then, St. Basil's held on to strict tradition, including Latin Mass.

Dunn befriends Caesar (Malcolm Danare), a fat, bespectacled student with a high-pitched voice and even higher test scores and grades. Caesar ultimately helps Dunn, a midterm student, catch up with the rest of the class. However, because of their association, it also brings the wrath of foul-mouthed class bully and underachiever Ed Rooney (Kevin Dillon) upon Dunn, which culminates in an altercation in front of the soda fountain across the street from the school.

Not long after this confrontation, Dunn witnesses a prank Rooney plays on Caesar. Dunn enters the classroom at the beginning of his English-Lit class in time to see Rooney take a screwdriver and remove the screws from Caesar's desk while Caesar is in the restroom. After Caesar sits on the desk and it falls apart, the teacher, Brother Constance (Jay Patterson) orders all the boys on their knees "until the joker comes forward". Dunn whispers to Caesar that he tried to warn him, but his whisper is caught by Constance.

At the brother's order, Dunn repeats what he whispered to Caesar. Convinced that Dunn knows the perpetrator, Constance tries to get the prankster's name out of him by striking Dunn's open palms with a wooden paddle, which he has sadistically labeled with the word "PATIENCE". Fed up with Dunn's refusal to rat out Rooney, Constance shoves him towards the class, ordering him to point him out. Dunn looks up at Rooney from the floor, who delivers a sly grin at him. Dunn lunges towards Rooney, and the pair are separated by Constance and a novice friar, Brother Timothy (John Heard), who has been observing the class and Constance's teaching and discipline methods.

Both are sent to headmaster Brother Thadeus' (Donald Sutherland) office, and during a moment alone, Rooney, impressed by Dunn's refusal to snitch on him, attempts to patch things up between them, but Dunn wants nothing to do with him. Rooney tries again in the schoolyard, but this time tells Dunn that if they don't become friends, then he has to continue in his harassment in order to save face. Reluctantly, Dunn befriends Rooney, along with his friends Williams, a sexually frustrated kid who is frequently caught masturbating (Stephen Geoffreys) and Corbett, the dull one of the bunch (Patrick Dempsey). Dunn also befriends Danni, (Mary Stuart Masterson), a rebellious teenage high school drop-out who runs the soda fountain across from the school and takes care of her mentally infirm father (Jimmy Ray Weeks).

Soon after, Danni's fountain shop is raided by St. Basil's Brothers, looking for kids smoking inside. After the raid, the fountain is left a shambles. Dunn, who escapes detection, helps Danni clean things up.

Other hilarious episodes happen. At the sacrament of confession, Rooney looks at the lists of sins the guys all committed and has them swap them around so each list does not sound so bad. When Caesar enters the confessional, Father Abruzzi becomes preoccupied with another student misbehaving in the church. At that point, Rooney goes into the priest's booth and acts as the priest hearing Caesar's confession and then giving him the penance of befriending Rooney and making sure he gets Rooney passing grades.

As a result, Caesar joins the four and befriends them while tutoring Rooney. Then Father Abruzzi gives a classic speech to the school along with the girls' school nearby on the evils of lust before a dance in which both schools participate in. That night, after getting bored at the dance, Rooney and Janine (Dana Barron), a student at the neighboring Virgin Martyr Girls Academy, drive Caesar and Janine's friend Kathleen (Yeardley Smith) around Brooklyn and get Rooney's father's 1966 Lincoln Continental stuck on a drawbridge.

Later, Pope Paul VI visits New York City (which he actually did in 1965) and St. Basil's school and the neighboring school takes a field trip to Manhattan to see him ride in the Popemobile in a parade. The five guys sneak out of the trip and to a movie theatre, where they see Elvis Presley's "Blue Hawaii". After they're discovered, Brother Constance orders them to clean a statue of St. Basil's, which is covered with bird droppings, on the school courtyard after Sunday Mass for punishment.

The friendship between Dunn and Danni further develops, which one day culminates in a passionate kiss under the boardwalk on Coney Island in a rainstorm. One day, during one of the Brothers' routine "raids", Danni takes a stand and locks them out. When they look into the windows and try to take names, she closes the blinds. The Brothers leave, but later at dinner, they discuss the episode at the soda fountain. At the urging of Brother Constance and gym teacher Brother Paul, and at the reluctance of Brothers Thaddeus and Timothy, they notify social services.

Dunn and his friends walk up to the fountain days later and find police cars and a couple of the school's Brothers surrounding the door as Danni's father is led out of the front door in handcuffs. Fearing the worst, Dunn rushes in and finds that social workers are getting ready to take Danni away. A shaken Dunn takes Danni in his arms. Weeping, she wants him to promise he won't be sad over her departure. He refuses. He watches helplessly as she's taken away in a car.

Rooney, angry at the loss of his hangout and at the Brothers for ruining his friend's life, develops another prank with the help of Caesar, Williams and Corbett. One night before Easter recess, the boys sneak onto the grounds and decapitate the statue of St. Basil in the school court.

During an assembly the last day before Easter recess, Rooney presents Dunn with a duffel bag containing the missing saint's head, right as Brother Thadeus is addressing the student body with the phrase "of what is ahead for you...". Brother Constance shows up, knowing he's found the vandals, and quietly orders them out of the assembly.

Constance first locks the quintet in a closet, where they discuss possible options. Moments later, they're retrieved by Brother William, who brings the quintet into the gym, where Constance has set up an exercise horse and a wide leather strap. He tells the boys that the guilty can confess now or all will suffer for it. Dunn, though innocent, speaks up. As Constance attempts to lead Dunn up to the horse, Rooney clears Dunn's name...but fingers Williams...who fingers Corbett...who fingers Caesar. Not willing to listen any further, Constance calls Corbett to the horse and delivers five blows from the strap to Corbett's rear. He repeats the same procedure with Williams, delivering six this time.

When he comes to Caesar, he is presented with a laminated doctor's note, presumably to exempt him from corporal punishment. Constance says he'll return it to him after he's finished and orders him to the horse. Caesar pleads for mercy, but Constance drags the cowering Caesar on the floor, beating him with the strap while doing so. Unable to watch such brutality any longer, Dunn shoves Constance to the floor, ordering him to leave Caesar alone. Constance gets to his feet, and Dunn flees the gym with the Brother in pursuit. The other boys in turn run after Constance.

The chase ends in the auditorium as Thadeus is concluding his remarks to the student body. Dunn rushes in, knocking over a series of music stands and chairs, followed by Constance, who tries to call him out. He then tries to take Dunn by force, but Dunn resists. Constance backhands him, swearing for the first time, shouting "Bastard!" as he does. As Constance tries to explain himself before Thadeus, Dunn sees that he's been cut on his cheek from Constance's ring. He jumps to his feet and delivers an uppercut to Constance, knocking him to the floor and causing pandemonium as the student body rises to its feet and cheers for Dunn.

The boys are sent to the headmaster's office, where they are joined by Brothers Thadeus, Timothy and Constance. Constance tries to have all five expelled on the grounds of assault. Timothy argues self-defense, and Thadeus calls the boys in and asks for a reason not to expel them. Dunn, seeing a possible exit from the priesthood through his expulsion, accepts the blame and says he should be expelled. Thadeus counters by saying that since all acted as one, all shall bear the consequences. Dunn protests by saying he instigated the melee. Thadeus disagrees, saying he understands it was Constance who started it.

Constance blanches at Thadeus' remark. Not explaining anything further in front of the boys, Thadeus suspends all five for two weeks and sends them out of his office. Brother Dominic (Douglas Seale), Thadeus' secretary, then comes into his office and hands him a document that he immediately signs as Constance tries unapologetically to defend himself.

Thadeus hands Constance the signed document, which orders him transferred out of St. Basil's and to where he won't be working with children at all. Angry at what he perceives as betrayal, Constance declares that he will demand an investigation into the matter, taking it to the bishop if necessary. Thadeus, unmoved by Constance's remarks, orders him out of his office. Timothy is then offered Constance's job, which he immediately accepts.

The film ends with the five main characters walking out of the school downtrodden after having been suspended, and then joyfully realizing they won't have to go to school for the next two weeks. A voice-over epilogue follows from Rooney, stating that everyone graduated in 1966 "except me". Corbett is married with six kids, Williams works as a projectionist at a Times Square porno theatre, Caesar graduated from Queens College and went on to become a psychiatrist, Dunn (who presumably didn't become a priest) eventually was reunited with Danni at Woodstock (Both became part of the flower child movement.) Rooney went to beauty school "where everybody graduated...except me", but became a shampoo boy at a Bensonhurst hair salon, where "the hours suck, the pay sucks, and I'm surrounded by 'funny guys', but the tips are great! Thank you, God!"

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