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The Wettest Stories Ever Told is the eighteenth episode of The Simpsonsseventeenth season.


When the Simpsons' plans for a nice family outing at the Frying Dutchman turns into a dining disaster (due to an uncooperative octopus armed with knives), the family try to salvage the night by turning the episode into yet another Simpsons anthology show (in the same vein as "Tales from the Public Domain," "Margical History Tour," and "Simpsons Christmas Stories")--this time with a nautical theme.

Mayflower Madman

Marge (who is widowed), Bart, and Lisa board the Mayflower to head for the new world, but just as they do, Homer runs ahead of them and hides in a barrel. They see the police (Lenny and Carl) looking for him (as he made the mistake of questioning why this era is called the Jacobean era when the king is named James and not "Jacob"), and they take pity on him. Marge immediately grows on Homer, but Moe likes her as well (having gone as far as to kill her previous husband) and is instantly jealous of their friendship. To get Homer out of the way, Moe takes him down to the storage room where all the beer is held and tells him to drink whenever a wave hits the boat. He gets drunk, and Captain “Flandish” (Flanders) and Reverend Lovejoy find him and other passengers partying. Moe blames Homer, and they place him in a stock. Then, a storm approaches, and Flanders gets knocked out. Homer claims that he steers better when he is drunk, and while drinking a bottle of wine while still trapped in the stock and shirtless, he leads them safely out of the storm. He and Marge get together, and they all make it to the New World.

The Whine-Bar Sea

The Bounty sets sail from England in 1789, commanded by Captain Bligh (Skinner). During the first 718 days of the voyage, Bligh severely mistreats his crew, by not giving them water at last day in order to save water and tossing off their mail because they had drawn a picture of Bligh making out with a mer-man. Willie warns him of a mutiny if he mistreats them too much, but Bligh ignores him. They arrive in Tahitimarker, where Homer and Marge are the rulers of island and the crew has a wonderful time until it was time to leave. The crew wanted to stay at Tahiti, but Captain Bligh tells them that it was wonderful vacation but they must forget it and sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in-a-round while working. Eventually, First Mate Bart Christian, who is angered by this, leads a mutiny with the help of the crew and sends Bligh and Willie off in a lifeboat. Bligh mistreats Willie, because Willie cannot sing in canon because he is only one, challenging him as too much of a spineless coward to mutiny. In response, Willie forces Bligh off the lifeboat (proving that he is not a coward) and rows away while Bligh holds onto on a sea turtle, who then submerges into the sea, where Bligh has presumably drowns. Bart, as the new Captain of the Bounty, orders the crews to set sail for Tahiti...then he throws away the ship’s helm and they crash into Antarcticamarker.

Watership D'ohn

Homer’s story takes place on the luxury liner Neptune on New Year’s Eve during the 1970s in a parody of The Poseidon Adventure. At midnight, Captain Burns fails to notice a massive freak wave which hits the bridge and kills him and First Officer Waylon Smithers and the ship capsizes. A lot of people die. Led by Selma, survivors Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Lenny, Carl, Comic Book Guy, The Crazy Old Jewish Man (and his wife), and Sideshow Mel ignore Purser Wiggum’s advice to stay put in the ball room and decide to climb up the decks to the engine room. While climbing up through the smokestack, Lenny panics and takes a dive. They encounter rooms in flame, tigers, and Homer doing his business in an upside-down bathroom, knowing that he has great ass-suction. Comic Book Guy swims through a flooded deck to help the others get to the engine room, but he has a heart attack and dies. The group makes it to the engine room, but Sideshow Mel’s hair is set on fire because of a blowtorch from the rescue team and he falls unconscious. The rest of the original group makes it off the ship, at which point they encounter the walking skeletons of the Bounty crew, who are still trying to get back to Tahitimarker.

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